GOALS

If I didn't have my own insecurities to face I would:

1) Have a writing career
2) Maintain my health
3) Build wealth
4) Read everything
5) No debt
6) to live alone

to reach all of these I can

1) Have a writing career
a. Submit 4 articles a week to my main writing web site
b. Maintain this blog
2) Maintain my health
a. Go to the gym
b. drink less
3) Build wealth
a. add to savings every week
b. stop buying food at work
4) Read everything
a. read when I get home
b. keep up with London Review of Books
5) No debt
a. pay something towards it every month
b. no new debt
6) live alone
a. Get mom to try to live at my aunt's
b. fill out application at NYSHA

If I do these things, I'll be less stressed out, and I'll be able to be nicer to people. In the meantime I just need to stay quiet.

ok....it's a start

Light Tunnels Etc.

I'll freely admit that I'm down right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlwind of not me. I see myself being unkind to peopoe, being selfish, partaking in gossip, drinking too much, staring into space instead of working to improve myself, avoding the gym, eating badly and being paranoid. My boyfriend has his own issues going, but when he doesn't email me, I'm convinced he's slowly plotting to break up with me which makes me sad.

No, our relationship isn't perfect, but I like him. He's brusque, and awkward and cold, but he's also funny and sweet and intelligent and...well I won't go on forever, but there's something about him that I adore -- that being said, I'm constantly convinced that there's someone else or I'm not good enough.

There's something wrong here. My entire life feels like it's on the edge of a precipice when the truth is, it's my life, and I can take control of it any time I want. Even as I say this, I hardly believe it even though I have no idea who else could possibly hold the reigns. It's up to me what happens to me, and I have to find a way to seek peace responsibly or I will totally implode. Prepare for too many posts in a given time. For some reason releasing my thoughts into the internet satisfies some deep sense of narcisism that I can't ignore.

Sometimes You Need Stuff

Ok fine. I went crazy this weekend. I did. But I realized a bunch of things, mainly that having banshee hair and pants that are falling apart make me more upset than having credit card debt. So, as you can probably guess I got a haircut and some pants, and I found a skirt I can buy this week. I also saw some tops I liked, so I'll keep those in mind when I go shopping next, but first pants pants pants because all of mine are old and gross looking.

My boyfriend's going to hate the haircut, but I'm glad I won't have to go again for a while.

I spent a few hours today just sitting in the park and reading, and I realized that some of the most enjoyable moments creep up on you when you stop making tons of plans to relax.

I'm not saying I'm going to start meditating, but I think I need to start thinking about what's actually important in life. Yes all of the things I worry about are totally true, but 20 years from now will I even remember?

Will my work life actually even matter? Will all of this $$$ matter?

It will as far as it affects my health. Sigh.

One Step at a Time

Ok, this morning's post was a little intense. Writing it all out, though, really helped me to see exactly what's stressing me out. I realize I can't tackle all of them together, so I figure I'll go through them one by one.

I think first of all, you can't accomplish everything if you live a healthy lifestyle, so I need to get back on track healthwise. Lately, I've been going out too much and eating a lot of unhealthy food, and I can tell it's making me sort of sick, so as of this minute, I'm going to focus on the following things:

1) Walk wherever I can, whenever I can.
2) No drinking. None. None at all. Not neccessary.
3) Avoid salty foods/ sweets. Basically cut out the junk
4) Take every chance I can to work veggies into my diet
5) Drink a ton of water.

These are 5 simple things that can make a huge impact, so from today until next Thursday, these are all I'm going to worry about.

Having a Tough Week

I don't know if it's the change in seasons, the fact that I have some uber expensive dentist bills coming my way or the fact that work has been more difficult than usual, but I am having a tough time keeping myself above water.

I just feel like no matter what I do life will always have something missing. I wish I knew what it was, so that I could go after it, but all I know is that something isn't right.

I'm young, I'm healthy, I have great a friends, a sweet boyfriend and a job with plenty of room for growth, but I know that the only person who can actually take advantage of all of these things is me, and for some reason I'm just not living up to my own expectations.

Instead of coming home and writing, I just get in bed and watch tv or escape in a book
Instead of not spending money, I go out with my friends more often than I should
Instead of striving to get ahead at work, I totally phone it in. I do my job, but I don't do anything above what is required of me.
I keep getting emails about better jobs, but I don't follow up.
I have a gym membership but I barely go.
I still have a little bit of cc debt, and all of a sudden I just don't care about paying it off.
I support my mother, and I want to get her into a place of her own, but I just don't know how it's ever going to happen.

I just don't know. Everyone has problems, and I started this blog to force myself to be optimistic and focus on the good and stay motivated, but this week I feel like I'm beyond that altogether.

I suppose I'll just focus on the good out there and hope that gets me through. I'd pray, but after so many years, I don't think the powers that be are interested.

Need vs. Wants: The Neverending Battle

I've decided to try something this week. I am literally only going to spend money on needs and not wants...and I mean it.

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling rather shabby in my work clothes. I kept telling myself that I needed new ones, but really the only reason I feel shabby is because I've been too lazy to dry my hair or put on makeup or even pick out an outift other than some sort of skirt and top this uniform.

Do I need work clothes? no, I want them because I'm feeling insecure. I want them because I know I've gained weight, and I really want to feel less packed into my clothes.

To solve this I'm going to focus on eating less for a month. I'm going to put on makeup, and do my hair and moisturize and do all of those other girl things that we do. If at the end of this month I still feel less than gorgeous, then I'll easily pick up a new pair of pants.

Puttnig Some Good Out There

Every year when the seasons change I do my best to make a decision about the coming year. It's sort of like my personal new year's resolution.

Last year I decided to become more budget conscious and focus on decreasing my spending and increasing my savings while paying down the credit card debt that I ignored for years. It worked amazingly well. I certainly didn't deprive myself. If you look at my spending over the past year I certainly didn't go without. I went out quite a bit. I went to my friend's wedding without incurring any extra debt. I went on a mini vacation to Washington DC and I developed some badly needed awareness about my financial situation.

Here's a list of the following steps I took to pursue increased frugality:

1) I built an emergency fund and consciously saved up a small cushion.
2) I paid off 2/3 of my debt
3) I stopped shopping completely: I went from being the girl who shopped all the time to the girl who never shopped unless something wore out. It was kind of amazing, and you know what? I didn't go naked once nor did I feel out of place. True, my pants are starting to disintegrate, but it's good to know that I wore them out.
4) I stopped buying books: I started only going to the library, and I've read so many books for free. As an added bonus, I didn't bring any extra clutter into my home. I don't miss buying books that often which is weird for me because I read a lot, and I used to spend tons of $$$ on amazon.
5) I stopped buying movies AND I decreased my netflix account to the one movie at a time plan. : I sort of do miss having more movies, but I think it forces me to find other things to do.
6) I took advantage of my company's benefits i.e. I signed up for my phone plan through them, and my gym plan as well. I still haven't done transit checks, but I plan to.
7) I stopped treating myself to food as often: In the old days it wasn't rare for me to get coffee every morning, order lunch every time I got paid or run downstairs for a diet coke every afternoon. These had become habits instead of treats. Lately, I'll admit I've lapsed here, but overall I did improve.

Things I could improve on:
1) Drinking/Dining Out. I can't even begin to tell you how much I spent in this category, but it's seriously %75 of my discretionary spending. I certainly had fun, but there was no need to have that much fun. I think this year I'm going to have to apply the same discipline to what and where I drink i.e. no barfood/ drink specials/ no more than 2 in an evening.
2) Food: I tried, but I certainly lapsed here and there and those dollars add up.

More to come on my decision for this year's little project.